Fickle Godlings

De Tale of Endo de Conqueror

Deken 24, 1099
My cousin Endo and I, as well as my two younger sisters, we go out for a bit of wine last night. I say it was too much for me and not enough for Endo!

He and I have been enjoying each other’s company as much as we can, for it issa tomorrow we celebrata family in too solemn a way to whet our appetites for dames and vino. We are too alike, him and I. Sometimes. He has much talked to me about an endeavor for us to be great merchants someday, when our wandering days are over and our carts sigh heavy with loot. Says I, “a Lightfoot seeks gold while a Stout enjoys his silver at home.” He is a Lightfoot, indeed! Adventure, ha! Dis Halfling needs no more adventure than de treasure I find in a bursting bodice! And excitement? I find nothing more exciting than greeting de dawn in de dewy embrace of de Ageless Maiden: my lady, de Sea. He is a fool to wander his vast green ocean. It is ever my bad luck tapping me on de shoulder when I have such a lovely, agreeable cousin, wit de same admirable passions as I, and all he wants to do is go chasing goblins and ride around on foul-smelling horses in de hills! Perhaps he will see things my way some day, and learn to enjoy de Ageless Sea. Though we seek a different ending, de journeys we shall rehash at venerable ages will both be bursting with tales of carnal conquest and monster massacre! I can not wait on de day we spin this fables, fat cigars betwixt our fingers, Mirto in our glasses, and little halfling-bebes running under our chairs! Ah, che bella vita!

Anyway, de last thing that I can recall from last night was a me saying buonnanotte to my sisters and hello to a couple of “fair twin dames” at Terrible Trixam’s. He was a most entranced by dis lady we find at de bar. “De left of de twins, she is more beautiful dan all de gold in de Blue Hills, Undio. I must have her.” He says to me while dey are getting de wine. “Twins”, you say to me, Endo? And fair? A bearded butterball water buffalo does not share family traits with a fair dame! I get de bad roll in dis game of talus. What I could not perceive then I will tell you now: I have never woke next to something as vile as dis one. Although I cannotta recall many of de things I was forced to do late last night(or early dis morning?), be most assured, my reputation around town as a proficient lover will settle once again on de town as reliable as de winter fog. I do however recall some great strength in de cow I was mounting. Could she perhaps be part troll? Anyway, after I yam sneaking out of de twins’ villa so as not to wake de beast I laid to rest, I yam waiting at de steps of our own abode. I wait for roughly double de time it took me to arrive at my place for resting, and yet still I am left to asplain where is Endo. Forget him, says de bastardo inside, let him get lucky one more time today without you worrying. And I goes inside to prepare for more festivities. Oh, my darling Endo. He is charmed, I swear it.

It is about de time of second lunch and slumber when finally I hear de slams of my front door and de padding of hairy feet, coupled with giddy laughter, approaching my kitchen. All de family is worried sick, when who else do we see standing in de door but my idiota cousin, decked in finery and carrying in his arms last night’s victory.

“Nonno, Nonna, Undio, Leonora, Esta! Mama, Pappa, it is wonderful news! We are MARRIED!

Oh, dio mio!I should have died then and there. I cross my heart and ask Geova what is this man thinking. I never thought my bastardo cousin could ever be anchored, but here he is. But then, a shadow looms behind them, one I do not know….

A vile beast, great in size and grotesque in form creep up behind them, I try to scream out “NO, ENDO! LOOK OUT!” but last night’s libations and de present fear have choked me. Nothing come out but de squeak of a mouse, they are helpless. De mighty beast push them aside and lurch out of de darkness, baring de ugly visage unto de world, de likes of which had never been seen…

“Forgetting something, Undio?”

It is on dis day… that Endo and I, Undio Vitale diCorrenze VII, are joined in holy matrimony to de daughters of Terrible Trixam.

Geova, take me.

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