6 months searching de crummiest, scummiest, low-lifey-est parts of Central Urania, and I have still not found de slightest spoor that would indicate de location of those bastardo pirates! Where in de world might they lie? They are a pin in a mountain of cow chaff, especially in a land so rampant with those defiant of de good King Gressner’s just rule. Eh, I may notta be able to divine de location of de foul demons that killed dearest Capitano, nor spy de most minuto trace of rumor concerning de mighty weapons stolen from our hold, but at least I can still discern de swiftest passage through a man’s armor into his heart! Fantastico!
To speak on that esubject, oh mio DIO to have my crew see my agility in de fighting pits! I sometime amaze even myself wit de artistry wit which I slay my opponents! Even de finest composers of de Halfling music halls could not orchestrate such a fine show as de way I doooodge and weeeeave in and out and to and fro….such flair…. it is enough to stir my loins. I bested a detestable bum of a fellow Halfling, pity on de man, but SHAME! for letting his wino debts take hold of his fortunes, and falling into de trap of a dwarven creditor such as Carl Gizzardbeard. Imbecile. He should have known better than to mention as measly an obligation as 100 gold pieces. I can piss dees much on whores before I see de morning sun, stupido! One serpente, one ugly toad, and four ratti gigantes later, and I yam champion. I yam an abile combattente indeed. Most de entire familie would be proud. Praise to…me! Oh, how de crowds swelled with amorous delight when I thrust at them and into my rivals.
With my renown in de arenas of Mordok so proven, I have garnered some interest(as well as quite a mound of coin) from a pair of queer adventurers de likes of which I never hoped to meet. De first, perhaps you could call an adequately rootable elf madam(I suspect Geova perhaps overlooked a discrepancy when blessing de Syndarin girl a proper ratio of shoulder abundance compared to bosom bounty?). Though I do not find her to be a jaw-dropper, she does have a certain radiance about her angular frame. De other, he is an imp of a man, though I suspect him dangerously powerful. He seems to light de very air on fire with de crackle of Leki. A tempesta mago, I suspect. Just to be sure, I will keep him on my side of de fight. Anyway, these curiosa have informed me of an event most outrageous. It conjures a tear from me to even think of it, so I will just record that my beloved cousin, Endo, Plunderer of de Great Pike, has fallen in battle. His notorious insatiable lust, both for fair maids(though not as well exercised as mine) and for adventure(though not as far-reaching as mine) and for life(though presently not measurable) shall strive on in a all de world. “Who could allow such a travesty”, I wondered? Well, de virtue of de jewel chasing mountain flounders again brings much disappointment. I should have expected as much. If dey had even a tenth of de wits as I or half de fortitude of Endo in improvised tactics, this bastardo Megemus would not be a fugitive running wild in de wilderness but a crucified ornament hanging on de welcome sign to Levytown! Curse their shaggy chins and curse their bald feet! I am a lonely halfstrider without my dear cousin in de world. I will miss his tales of his hometown defensive battles and routing drakes in de wild lakes. May de gods that keepa me afloat and put wind in my sails bear witness: DE GREAT UNDIO WILL AVENGE DE DEATH OF HIS COUSIN!
We are next day gone from Mordok to find de knick-knacks for which Melfina seems to be turning up rocks and digging holes with de wonderfully disposable dwarves. I have donned my newly adopted ruse, de disguise of de late, great, Captain Brumeken. I find a swelling freedom in putting on a cap and a becoming a new man, justa like dat. I have come to be much more courageous with a few feet added to my height. If I were human, I would conquer all that de eyes can see! With my growing bravery I demanded we see de king within de next day. These dense dwarves couldn’t see through my disguise if I had cracked an egg on my head and pretended to be a frying pan. Idiotas.
When we get to de king’s hold, il Dama Melfina seem to go to de shit of de ape! Apparently she find de evidence of an heirloom of hers in de possession of de regal dwarf’s chief cavaliere! They are to duel after midday’s feast. Oh, yes. De “feast”. De lunch they are enjoying a meal overly extravagant and not slightly imaginitive, with nary a speck of salt to be licked from de meats. And where is de bounty from de water? Have they not de imagination to go netting for common cave shrimp? Dark AND short-sighted, I see. Not only that, but I fear de halfling servers are here against their will. Bastardos! When finally de culinary frivolity concluded, at last I could study de melee tactics of a powerful elf woman. De spectacle I witnessed droppa my jaw to de floor. Firstly, a dandy named Hornby de Broad(by no means a coincidental moniker; de dwarf is as wide and knobby as a hatespruce) introduced, rather fancily, de two competitors in de duel. After dis effeminate display, a blasphemous, wasteful ritual was performed consisting of a vile priest and a gentle mountain billy…. for the sake of any future reader I cannot describe second-by-second the disgusting display, but know that I witnessed a dark power consume de energy of the animal and thrust de dwarf king’s chief knight into a violent fervor. I testify dat dees is unfair in a man-to-woman duel! Although against insurmountable odds, I saw the Lady Melfina put up a respectable fight. I saw no beneficial end for her at the end of the duel. Alas, she did succeed at her main goal, which was to retrieve her family’s magical ring, but she would be doomed to death
I was compelled to act. I shuffled up close to the head of de audience. I proceeded to demand that de king end de battle, post-haste, with the influence of my stone dagger sticking in his gut. NEVER in the history of has a anyone seena such courage, such virile bravery, such GALL as a Halfling threatening an evil dwarf king, IN his keep, SURROUNDED by his head knights and court! I declare, I am UNDIO DICORRENZE, THE DWARFTERROR!
It was at dees time dat myself, de Great Mage Barrabus de Storm, and de Great Dame Melfina Slverleaf chose to exit the castle with great urgency.